First, thank you to all my fans and the planted vocal support placed throughout the crowd to give the illusion that I have more going for me than I do.
I would like to thank my speech writers for the rousing, articulate diatribe I am about to recite. As politicians from the last century and this can testify, without you, the world would know that my handlers think I am incapable of presenting cogent arguments on this stage, let alone present truths that are worthy of electing me to the power and position I so earnestly crave. Of course, if they plagiarize the content, I have plausible deniability since I only saw the speech last night, and my views are so fluid they assume I will need to include material that has already had a favorable hearing.
Thank you also to my handlers who coached me as to when I should raise my voice, sweep my hand, and shed a tear. The subtle pinch I give myself at various points is a very effective way to generate a tear without feeling that much emotion. (Pulling out nose hairs works, as well, but is harder to do in public.)The tight knot in the tie at my throat enables me to get very red-faced and sweaty at moments of righteous indignation. The “pause for effect or laughter” notes on the teleprompter are also a great help in reminding me to give space for my “plants” to insert the proper response, and by imitation and inspiration, influence the innocents around them into brainlessly jumping on this popular bandwagon.
Please know that if I had to write my own material, I would not have become this successful, so join me in giving credit where credit is due–as long as they do not get my substantial paycheck and as long as they also take all the blame for any errors in construction and content. And now to begin . . .
It is with great humility and transparency that I accept your rallying support, adulation, and finances on this historic day! . . .