It doesn’t take much to shake confidence.
Brick by brick, you structure a world with truths and practices
you trust are best—
guaranteed with positive outcomes.
And then the slight shift,
the murmur of doubt.
It doesn’t take a crushing blow—only the soft winds of uncertainty,
the weighted air of disappointment. And collapse threatens.
There is a numbness after so many shootings,
so many senseless deaths, so much brazen brutality.
How many lives,
how many more mayhem moments?
So much fear. But
it is like you have to distance yourself from it to feel secure. It was another state, another city far away. It was mostly Hispanics and blacks, and I’m not. It was mostly gay people, and I’m not. It was in Florida, and I’m not, so
I will it to feel other
so I can believe that my little world is still safe.
But is it? When they come for one, they come for all.
When one suffers cruel injustice, we all do.
I process with my pen,
its inky laughter and tears spilled in vowels and consonants and grammatical scraps.
Through fingertip to paper, the thoughts pinging off the inside of my cranium find
form and voice; and
if it were not so, the thoughts would escape disjointed and be
part of the myriad muffled conversations in the universe that buzz and buzz—
the white noise of life.
It’s like living under high voltage power lines. So I write
to capture the meaning of things,
to process the jumble of my mind that keeps me thinking,
waking and sleeping,
and try to make sense of it all—well, maybe not all,
but at least me.
There is a grieving for opportunities past, opportunities lost. It’s like the world moved on when you just stepped off momentarily to take a quick look—and it’s gone. Not the world,
but the world you thought you knew.
There is a grieving for the identity you had carefully (or maybe not so carefully) nurtured—okay, it kind of just happened,
but the happening seemed real and sure until one day you woke, and you realized you are not important anymore. Well, maybe you weren’t before, but at least you thought you were. Didn’t the world somehow revolve around you?
You are patronized that you can do some things well—and at your age!
When you are young, those things you do well are fuel for an ever expanding future—the first step to a waiting, dazzling world, begging for your grand entrance with its greatest hits.
But those same skills and gifts at…
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When I feel the need to defend myself to the universe,
words fall flat.
There are never enough words to balance out the weight of weakness, the sting of sarcasm, so why not be content to let criticisms fall where they will,
knowing that Maker picks them up and carries them in His own woundedness.
somehow I feel like my limping justifications and explications carry more weight in the bigger scheme of things.
they only fuel the contempt railed against me. So
I will rest—help me rest in You.