It’s like dead weight being dragged along behind,
hindering the Now that has its own trouble enough.
How to forgive. How to forget.
Must; and yet . . .
I think it’s finished, this letting go jazz; but then,
all that trash springs legs and comes running after.
Should it be done? Of course, but I just can’t un-remember what betrayal felt like, what the loss of friendship and trust felt like, what harsh criticism and a kick in the spiritual teeth felt like.
It is the darkening cloud above my head, the heaviness pressing on my chest; and I should be able to let it go, but there is a disconnect between
what I know is good for me and
what I can actually pull off.
And I am alone in it because it is me who nurses the grinding grudges, me who fans the embers to a flame ready to burn down my own house.
If I let it go—let the doers off the hook—it will be like admitting that my life did not matter, that evil can win and go on eviling as long and as wholeheartedly as it wants. And yet . . .
there is enough trouble for this one day, You say. So at least for this moment, this one thoughtful pause, I am letting it all go,
the plagued past, the harms and hurt.
I place it in Your scarred hands . . . and now I run to tomorrow!
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:34 (NLB)
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” I Peter 5:7