P erson, public—often at odds—
E ntering monologues and dialogues full of
A ccusation and assessment—sometimes brutal and quite often blind—
C alling for change and definitive answers that cannot
E xist except that we lay down our swords, beating them back into plowshares.
For me, singing is like following a rainbow through black rain.
It is like crepuscular rays that rupture leaden skies.
Singing is like walking in an unmarked place, lost, not sure of prayer or path and
seeing far off the pinpoint light that means home.
It is faithfilled praise, knowing that in this one moment with this one voice,
I am sure of one thing.
It is a hopefilled reach, feeling that in these simple words with this simple tune,
I am grounded in at least one true thing.
Singing is declaring Your worth when I am unsure of myself.
Singing is my voice outstretched, knowing if my hands were raised,
I would not sing but cry.
For me, singing is a peace of the puzzle of life—respite, restoration, renewal;
and so when other parts of my life seem weak and wondering, lacking conviction,
I will sing.
When disoriented,
disheartened, and
feeling distant,
I will sing.
***********************
Psalm 104:33
I will sing to the Lord as long as I live.
I will praise my God to my last breath!
Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in you rejoice;
let them sing joyful praises forever.
Spread your protection over them,
that all who love your name may be filled with joy.
I don’t want to be naïve again, speech peppered with Praise the Lord’s and God Bless You’s, and other Christian slang, as if by filling in the blanks I could sanctify the moment.
I meant well.
There are elements I wish I could reclaim—the idea that God would intervene if I could muster enough faith, the idea that God would love me more if I kept more of His rules.
Always.
Simple. Kind of.
I would love to get back to the uncomplicated worship where I knew God was big, powerful, and good, and that somehow my weak words meant something in His kingdom economy, that his gifts freely given actually changed things—changed lives.
Even mine.
But things don’t always turn out as expected. The right key doesn’t always fit in the lock; and though I still believe, my belief is tangled and mangled with shaky hopes and sanctified suspicion.
The strength of will is not always armor enough when facing a cosmic battle. And inspiration and revelation once cavalierly received have slowed to a trickle in the murkiness of time, trouble,
and desperation.
Cataracts of soul have dulled even further the glass darkly explanations, and my longing for more drives me to my knees.
Can I have the wonder back? Can I feel again past the numbness of mind and heart? Oh, Lamb, Oh Lover, Oh Rescuer, save me. Let me feel again what it means to be connected to eternity with these frail threads of confidence and leave the doubt of this dirty life behind.
******************
Psalm 86:1-7
Bend down, O LORD, and hear my prayer;
answer me, for I need your help.
2 Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
You are my God.
3 Be merciful to me, O Lord,
for I am calling on you constantly.
4 Give me happiness, O Lord,
for I give myself to you.
5 O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
6 Listen closely to my prayer, O LORD;
hear my urgent cry.
7 I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,
and you will answer me.
Sights of water, washing over my thirst, giving armchair rest to frenetic thoughts and long to-do lists, and
smells surround of seaweed and brine, lifting the clinging darkness to dissolve into color and life
sounds of water lapping and crashing and yellow-legged gull calls, reaching out to grab my curious patience, so to lean closer and stay longer and
it is a now to be breathed and stored for the filled and furious days ahead.
I look through my own grid, and I’m not sure how to see differently.
I know just how you feel–
well, not really. I can imagine walking in your shoes,
but truth is I don’t. I can imagine feeling what you feel,
but truth is I can’t. Small wonder we feel the separation and division strongly,
but so often
so alone.
And that warm, fuzzy unity is an out-there goal, a hope,
but
until I am you, I walk as if in a dream.
Surrender feels like failure.
It feels depressing, like giving up.
There is a darkness to it, a weight to it—the unwilling outmanned, outmaneuvered, surrounded, and pressed to defeat.
Surrender feels like exhaustion.
It feels compressing, like yielding up the last breathless bits of me.
And yet You call me to this laying down of arms jazz
in exchange for Your loving arms.
And I find that surrender to You is not as much giving up as over—not as much failing as falling into a tender pull,
deference to one more wise and able, after all my best ideas have faltered and failed,
after all my excuses have dried in my mouth,
after all my tears have washed away nothing.
It is the unclenching of a fist, the unmasking of a façade.
It is the baring of a war-torn will, the stripping of all that chokes and hinders.
And I find that surrender to You is not as much like crying “uncle,”
but more like a hallelujah.
************************************
John 15:4-7 (ESV)
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
James 4:10
“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”
Whispers thread through the flaming rage,
almost lost, almost imperceptible, drowned out by opinion, history, frenzied fury, and flailing fists.
The whispers tip toe in my tossing mind, seeking a place to land and be heard.
They are the filaments of hope, the clinging truths that cannot be destroyed by rhetoric or abuse or repeated dogma.
They are woof and warp, the solid underpinning of this spinning, unsettled mess.
Are you listening? Am I listening?
We are all the same—blood and bone.
We are all broken—body and soul.
We are all human—color and kind.
God loves. And
He whispers in the tumult
to see as He does and love as He loves.
————————–
Romans 13:10 (NLT)
Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.
1 John 4:7-8 (NLT)
Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
Proverbs 10:12 (NLT)
Hatred stirs up quarrels,
but love makes up for all offenses.
S wallowing hard, trying not to
H ear the undercurrent of your
A dvice as criticism, trying hard to
L ook past the words to the heart’s
L onging for belonging and
O pen communication in this abundance of
W ords.
There is in trust a writing between the lines.
I trust you, but that trust expects an outcome acceptable to me. My blank slate of surrender has a lot of smudges around the edges—things like “Don’t make it hurt,” “Let all end well,” “Let love be stronger than hate.”
There is in trust a whining between the lines
that holds hands unclenched, but my heart is hidden behind my back with fingers crossed.
Is there a kind of trust without the small print—Yours and mine. A trust that knows I and my loved ones and my cares are in the arms of Someone not only able but willing to do what is good—
no matter what that looks like.
There is a trust, and I am learning and yearning for it.
I used to be cocksure,
willing to trample fragile souls for the sake of being right. And
it hurts to think I was so unlike Your sacrificial kindness, so unlike Your bleeding, selfless truth.
May I be willing to be defeated to win one. May I grow accustomed to embarrassment to at least appear humble as the pride prickles are chiseled away—one by one, by weary one.
My kingdom looks ever dim in the bright hues of Your shining presence—and may all see You
in spite of me.
If I would feed on Your words more than I feed on my need, I would be so much more nourished
with life to give.
